Maid in Heaven

My contact with the suburban species - ‘maid’ has been, necessarily, slight. I have noted that interaction between myself and the so called ‘maids’ has always been less than fruitful so, with the very best of intentions, I have sought to avoid them for the better part and that stratagem has been largely successful. I must, however, relate to you - dear reader, in case of difficulties – yours, not mine, a possible charter for dealing with this tender, delicate species, lest you too fall foul of them and have them ruin whatever may remain of your life.

One must never raise one’s voice to a maid – lest she run in floods of tears to your partner (her mistress, not yours), and later vacate your apartment altogether. This situation necessarily causes all kinds of ripples to issue forth – none of which will benefit you. Maid’s tears are acid, they will eat into anything – people’s hearts especially.

Furthermore, do not comment on the (sub) standard of her work. She is a sensitive flower, and must be handled as such. Such concepts as hard work, standards, and cleanliness pass her by. She is not at all au fait with the intricacies of modern housework and notions of a job done well and any amount of chivvying on your behalf will be fruitless. Better that the toilet be left with brown stains, rather than upset your maid.

 

It is a well known fact that maids must eat as least as much as those who employ them. They will frequently be seen diving into huge bowls of rice, cooking noodles, vegetables etc. Do not, under any circumstance, come between your maid and her meal. It will upset her and she may respond in much the same way a lioness may when her young are threatened. There will be repercussions which, in general, will not benefit you.

 

Maids do not exercise. That is a known fact. Please not make them. Do not put your slightly over weigh maid on an exercise machine – they are mechanical, maids are not. There will be problems. Do not, under any circumstances, take your maid for a walk, she is not canine – but human, it will upset her and quite possibly your partner too. Swimming, unless accompanied by a sufficient amount of males from the maid’s own country, is pointless, and is to be avoided.

 

Do not – keep said female helper in accommodation unsuitable for her. She too needs her own bathroom and, preferably, a double bed as large as yours. She is a creature designed for comfort – yours. Though naturally not born to comfort, she will find it where she may – by wearing your partner’s clothes, her jewellery, and perfume both with and without your partner’s permission. Do try to understand that your maid’s need for comfort is in-built and is non-negotiable.

 

Male comrades, do not, under any circumstances, approach your maid for physical or sexual favours. That is the biggest no, no, and no good will come of it. Do be warned. At the very least, you may be presented with a little human parcel some nine months later, and an even larger bill. At the worst, should it come to that – prison, severing of partnership and what is then left of your pitiful life will be spent in HELL, or your own religion’s equivalent of it. Be warned.

 

Finally, for those of you, who are wavering, do think long and hard. Do I really need a maid, or is it another wife that I must have? It is a tough decision, and both paths are strewn with peril – yours.