Charity Widower

Women are often referred to as golf widows, football widows or some such euphemism relating to women being deserted by men for huge chunks of time, and emotion. You may not realise, but men too become widowed, by women who spend a colossal amount of time and energy outside of the home, and therefore away from their husbands.

I am a charity widower. Deserted by my very well intentioned wife, volunteering, creating events and raising funds for a respectable arts and children’s charity. The loneliness of that infamous long distance runner is nothing compared to the emotional distancing a charity widower feels. He, after all, has lost his wife to a good cause, none better, charity, kids and the age old argument of giving back.

For charity widowers it would seem churlish for us to complain. She, our beloved spouse is, after all, doing something good, something commendable, something worthy of all the praises available to be heaped upon her. Ah, but there’s the rub, the two-way cutting sword. Spouse’s time is not infinite. Peter has to be robbed, however nicely, to pay Paul. Lucky Paul. Time swallowed up by organising this and that event, facilitating the event, the travel, the volunteering of their services in the service of their chosen charity all denudes the long suffering husband/family of her warmth, affection, and yes her presence too.

Of course I am not alone. My wife is but one of, perhaps, millions. The whole kit and kerboodle of charities, and indeed Social Work, was founded by such women beavering away with their chosen worthies. Charities would not exist without such women, though sometimes I wish that it were possible for just one to exist without the constant attention of my wife. To be fair, she was already involved with charity work before I met her. I knew what I was taking on. At least, I thought I did, but didn’t. I never imagined that there would be times that I would sit alone, in hotel rooms, waiting for her return, or stand and watch while she went about her ‘doing good’. Perhaps it would not have been so bad, maybe I wouldn’t miss her as much if she didn’t also have a very demanding job, which swallows up huge chunks of her time. Men like me feel like ‘also rans’ at some important meet, or Vice Presidents/executives rather than CEOs.

Choices for we charity widowers are severely limited. We can put and and shut up - the chosen or preferred choice. We can object and live with the consequences - a lifetime knowing that you dragged your wife away from something important to her, or walk away. The final choice appears somewhat ridiculous as the argument runs that you want more of her time, not less. Or, we can sit in a hotel room, in Singapore, and write. I chose the latter.