19th March (2020)

 

19th March

Before embarking upon my, what should have been a short, trip, I had been reading up on the American writer Henry Miller. I was trying to get some idea of Paris in the 1930s, for the little piece I am attempting about Amrita Sher-Gil and her time there. I included in my reading Miller’s ‘Tropic of Cancer’, set in Paris of the 1920s and 30s. Now, in my fourth day of exile from the home I have made in Malaysia, I think about my lack of sex. I’m not sure if this is a result of missing my dear partner, Henry Miller’s influence, or of the sheer comeliness of the average Khmer female. Or possibly all three. People talking about ‘Sports Bras’ on Facebook does not help when seeing images of half naked Apsaras everywhere.

Mr Miller, if you haven’t read his works, can be quite graphic about his thoughts on, and experiences of sex. I’ve never been able to write that way. Is this due to a lack of experience? Lack of ability? Or simply not wanting to betray those who have entrusted their bodies to me for a short while? I cannot say. Besides, right now, I really cannot bear pondering on the unavailable. Of course, my other half would have some glib comeback gleaned from her current readings on Thích Nhất Hạnh‘s Buddhism, pop psychology or from the enormously popular self- help book ‘The Secret’ (Rhonda Byrne, 2006) which she was reading when we first met.

My problem, if you call it a problem, of not wishing to indulge in onanism (look it up), but preferring the company of an emotional as well as a physical closeness, occasionally weighs a tad heavy. I think about making love, that Tantric bliss, that 'weaving and expansion of energy’ from a couple blending into a singularity, with true intimacy in its unique form and sigh, quite a heavy sign. In this mid-age period, of what Jung called Individuation, the memories of feeling are still there, with greater thought I could conjure, and become overwhelmed by them. Instead, I mentally change the subject.

My two guardian angels have taken me to a Khmer restaurant (Try Me) this evening. The (beef) steak is soft and juicy, topped off with a delightful green pepper sauce. The local salad is also very good. Business is not so good however. I understand that the management would save more money by closing, rather than staying open for just a few customers. On the surface, all seems well in Siem Reap, but scratch that surface and life is not so easy at this moment in time.