July 8th (2020)

 

8th July

Day 116

I was awake at 7am.

I showered, breakfasted and sent my short story off…...fingers crossed.

Today I feel alone and dying for a touch. It is difficult to smile when inside you are crying. Yes, yes I know chin up, keep a stiff upper lip, but that doesn't work today. 

Something someone said, or rather didn't say, has left me feeling hollow. I know, I know, all things must pass but I wish that this would hasten and get behind me. But, just for once I wish that I was a priority for someone, not an afterthought, not some toy to pick up when everything else is done, seen to. 

My soul hurts. I cry for, long for romantic, fireside on cold day, hand in hand, cuddle because I make you feel complete, listening to music together, laying naked between the sheets just being close and talking kind of love, you are the one kind of love, nothing matters and nothing is important but we too kind of completely saturated with each other kind of love.

Is love a double-edged sword or a Sword of Damocles hanging, pointed edge sharp as a razor. Does love need to be fed, or dies, or is it that perseverance which endures. My melody is unchained, I hunger but I have never felt so all alone before.

But, once again I am saved by the music. Genesis, Marillion and Be Bop Delux.Thank you YouTube. And Raga Kirwani, with thanks to a Facebook friend.

Back to comfort eating, because I need a lot of comfort right now. I went to Angkor Market and bought the 'makings' for lunch/dinner. I've never really considered that the recipes I've picked up along the way, have names. Today I'm making a standby dish, one I learned so many years ago that I have forgotten when, possibly about forty years ago. It's main ingredients are minced meat (beef) and peas. I found out today that it does have a name…Kheema Matar (beef and peas curry).

The heat has caused sores. I need to go to a pharmacy tomorrow to get Canesten cream, it was most efficacious in Bonn when this happened before.