April 19th (2020)

April 19th

9.22am

Today I awake late.

Realising that there is no bread and no cornflakes for breakfast, I am dragged out of my prison cell by hunger.

There is the usual gang of white Expats at Ellen Cafe (next door) their cheerless faces, and innate hostility prevents me from seeking sustenance there. The Khmer staff are very warm and friendly, but the customers are not. So I walk on.

I walk up Central Market Street, turn left at the corner of Siem Reap Provincial Hospital, and down 2 Thnou Street, looking for breakfast. I might just as well have been seeking The Holy Grail. I don’t see one suitable place until I reach ‘Psa Chas Restaurant Chan Loemluon’ (on Street 09), selling Khmer food and, curiously bacon, eggs and baguette. Holy Grail found. I ask for, and receive three eggs. The baguette is whole, cut in half, then sliced and butter added. It is a good breakfast followed by coffee with condensed milk, then a mug of tea with condensed milk.

It’s hot. ‘Of course it’s hot, it’s bloody Cambodia’, I tell myself, but stop because I don’t want to get into an argument that I can’t win. 

Good grief. I’ve just seen myself in ten years time, that is if I say in Siem Reap. The chap, probably ten years my senior, rides up on an aged Honda off-the-road bike, parks nearby and scoots across the road. He is a little bent in body, white bearded (like me) wearing an ancient ‘Cambodia’ t-shirt bearing all the signs of being washing almost to oblivion. He’s sprightly, I’ll give him that. But, well, he has that feeling of quiet desolation that Ex-pats gain over living for decades in Asia. They are all slightly worn at the edges; the sort of characters that actor Denhom Elliot became known for playing, only more down market. I could make all sorts of suppositions about him, but I won’t. My mere sixteen years pales into insignificance in comparison.

I am back to the room with the floral mural. I keep myself in check. Tears are about the choke me. Once again I stem the urge. It’s one of the constant waves which threaten depression. It’s a reactive depression. I’ve been here before. I swallow, physically and mentally, hold back those tears. ‘It’ will pass I say to myself, ‘It will pass’. I need to rest to help it pass.

I’m up. It’s 2.30pm. I should take lunch, but hesitate.

One popular perspective, concerning being responsible for your own happiness, is, at times, difficult to internalise. Many of us need to feel loved. We need the warm comfort of someone’s arms around us, we feel that we need the loving touch of another. If not in reality, due to distance, then in kind words, words expressing emotion, comfort. Sometimes those words do not come. We have no reinforcement of care. We become thrown back upon ourselves, perhaps a little lost, maybe floundering a little, thoughts racing haphazardly. It is then that we are forced to find strength in ourselves. Drown or swim.

Late lunch is banana sandwiches.

I have been trying to find information about my particular dilemma. Online there are a number of sites purporting to be Cambodian Immigration. Some are links to other countries and one, asked to be paid to find out for me. I will try again in the morning. Maybe I’ll take a tuk tuk to the airport, to see if there is somewhere I can get information about my predicament. 

Dear Phany has sent up the metal TV tray, with three sections of raw Khmer vegetable, a section with pork curry, and the larger section not with rice, as before, but with soft rice noodle. It is, again, most generous of Phany, and nice of Kosal to act as waiter. Both have been very thoughtful. It is the Khmer people who have softened what might otherwise have been quite hard for me. In this sense I am most fortunate, as well as grateful to the tenderness of Cambodia and its people.

Today’s spend is....

Psa Chas Restaurant Chan Loemluon, (Bacon, Eggs x3 and Baguette) $4.50

Thai Huot Market,(Tomatoes; Myjoj Soto Ayam Noodles x2; Cucumbers; Mild Cheddar Cheese; Dasani Water; Cowhead Milk; Milk Soft Bread and Dutchi Mixed Fruit Yogurt) $12.80.

Today’s total is $17.30

Writing progress....put the comma in. Five minutes later, take the comma out.