Essex Boys (or waiting for Anwar)

Being an imaginary meeting between two men, from Essex, in Kuala Lumpur.

Whatcha Yer, whatcha Ows it goin Alright innit Bloody ot though Yer aint arf Ow yer coppin Notsa bad, yerself Alright mate, can’t find a decent cuppa though Yer me nievver mate, stuff so bloody fick yer could stand yer spoon up in it Yer sweet too Absa-bloody-lutely And whats all dat froff ona top Yer its like someone gobbed in it, bloody disgustin Yer Yer, so whatcha doin ere mate Nuffing much, bit a writin, bitta this, bitta that, you know Yer And chew Same really mate, you know a bitta singing, play me old axe you know, me wife does a bitta Judy Collins, I do a bitta Cream, bitta Bob Marley, we gets by. Ye dat’s it really we all just get by Too bloody true mate, cause that’s whot were doing ere innit Wot, you getting all religious or feosophical mate Don’t be so bloody stupid. I mean ere, in Kuala bloody Lumpoor mate, not like ere in the world and whots the bloody meaning of life, like. Yer, too bloody right mate Ere what abbaat lunch, you do lunch Do lunch, not arf mate, bleeding starving inni. But I ain’t eatin’ any of dat foreign muck mate, Me nievver I don’t care where we are, I ain’t eatin’ any of that bloody foreign muck. Yer too bloody right That’s for em – that lot, out there, bloody foreigners. Yer bloody foreigners Em with there bloody oily fried bloody breads, their lentil bloody pancakes and coconut in their bloody curries, who’s ever ‘eard of putting a bloody coconut in bloody curry, stupid bloody idea mate, nearly as bad as that bloody pineapple lark, call it curry indeed, its tosh that’s what it is absolute bleeding tosh! And bananas Yer bananas, bloody bananas in yer bloody curry, its sacrilege dats whot it is Yer, sacrilege curry. ats right mate, just give me a nice Danish bacon sarnie, well, beef bacon a course. Yer of course Or some of that elemental cheese on toast, that’ll do me, maybe a bit a pizza with chicken sausage on the top, or a nice kebab, English food, real English food that’s what I want, not too much to ask is it. Yer bloody foreigners with their bloody foreign muck. Ere some bloke, the uvver day, some bloke said dat we were the foreigners Foreigners, bloody cheek, what do ya mean its we who are the foreigners, how can we be bloody foreigners, were bloody British mate, true blue bloody British mate, well at least I am, but I think you’ve got a touch of the tar-brush mate, the way you colour up on the beach, but me, I’m true bloody blue mate. Well, I ….. Well whot mate, yes I know it’s their country, all too bloody well aware of that ain’t I, we gave it back to them in nineteen ‘fifty bloody seven didn’t we, and a bloody good job too. What do we want wiv all these bleedin’ bananas anyway, we’ve got enough coming from The Canaries ain’t we. Canaries their birds aint they, like budgies but yellow, like bananas What, oh yer, so we don’t need their bloody bananas, or their bloody rubber. Too right, but rubber’s handy thought, you know for tyres and stuff, school erasers too, they are good they are, you know, like when you make a mistake What are you talking about, mistake, I’m British me, I don’t make mistakes now do I You voted for Tony Blair didn’t you That wasn’t a mistake, I wos conned, we were all conned, bloody new labour, new bloody conservative, the twat. Now its this Brown bloke, bloody Nazi e is mate, bloody ID cards, bloody speed cameras, just like bloody Franco. Er Franco was in Spain, he was a fascist but wasn’t a Nazi Well, you know wot I mean mate, alls the bloody same, bloody fascists. Yeah bloody fascists Thank God were ere then Ere? Kuala bloody Lumpoor Oh yer right Warmer ere than there Too right, I got a nice sun tan me missus says Mine too funny enough Cause you married a…….. Yer dat’s right and you too yeah! Too bloody right mate Well I gotta go Yeah me too Friday prayers Yeah Friday prayers See ya then Yer see ya, Bye Yusuf Yer bye Hassan